|
A letter to the London
Observer from Terry Jones (yes, of Monty Python).
Letter to the Observer
Sunday January 26, 2003
The Observer
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's
running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really
pissed off with Mr. Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.
Well, him and Mr. Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me
queer looks, and I'm sure Mr. Johnson is planning something nasty for me,
but so far I haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's
got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr. Patel,
don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he
> is, in
reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if
we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.
Some of my neighbors say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police?
But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence
of a crime with which to charge my neighbors. They'll come up with
endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive
>strike and all the while Mr. Johnson will be finalizing his plans to do
>terrible
things to me, while Mr. Patel will be secretly murdering people.
Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic
firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently
that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it
clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade
>in and do whatever I want!
And let's face it, Mr. Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is
the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one
certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the
>US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened
>us.
That's why I want to blow up Mr. Johnson's garage and kill his wife and
children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us
>in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr. Bush
makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that
> Saddam is
>a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no
one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for
>killing Mr. Johnson's wife and children as Mr. Bush has for bombing Iraq.
Mr. Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating
'rogue states' and 'terrorism'.
It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when
>you've achieved it? How will Mr. Bush know when he's wiped out all
terrorists?
When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a
> terrorist
once he's committed an act of terror.
What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to
eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers,
>have already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr. Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future
terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every
Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might
convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would
> be for Mr.
Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
It's the same in my street. Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel are just the tip of
the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't
> like
and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really
> safe
until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but
>I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United
States. That shuts her up.
Like Mr. Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough
>reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the
whole
street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over
>all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar
terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say
'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.
It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast
to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.
|
Responds
Dear Mr. Jones
I red your letter which was
published by Observer with excitement and joy. The human race reach to
day and will continue to exists in the future because of people like you
people with vision and courage. At the first sight your scheme appears a
bit harsh but as I red through I got the horrible picture you described
as an alternative. More over since you adopt the strategy of a great
president of a great country which is the flag bearer of freedom, human
rights and peace I am once more convinced that you are on the right
tract. Though you have not mention – due to modesty I suppose – there
are few cracked voices in your neighborhood opposing your planned
valiant action. The leader of this so called opposition is Monsignor
Pierre, yes that goat bearded skinny snob wine seller. It is sad that
you once saved his son while he was drowning in the swimming pool and
once his daughter while a gang was trying to rape her. I know in our age
"gratitude" is like a fish rots away by time . Another leading member of
the opposition is Herr Gunter, the watch repairman and ex-convict turn
in to a preacher. I know you trusted him to join you in your planned
humanistic endower apparently you were wrong.
But you do not worry, you
have enough supporters. Please do not misunderstand me of course you can
do it on your own but it is better to have a chaotic group of people so
no one could blame one person when the evil is staked and burned. Other
wise I can not imagine that you believe that having Signor Garibaldi,
Senor Pedro de Vargas, Mr. Wagumba and Mr. Pedrowsky behind you would
add any additional strength to your cause.
You also initially trusted
Mehmet Ali Bey, who owns the Kabob House, to let you use his truck to
haul in the supporters to the strategic locations. In the past every
time you wanted to borrow his truck he let you have it with such a
friendly generosity and he even did not allow you to fill the tank when
you are finished. It is so sad now to see that he is asking money more
than what his truck worth.. But you should know the real culprit. It is
his new wife that Intellectual-fanatic woman. With your generosity you
offered him a reasonable price for the service of his truck and he
agreed initially but that independent bitch told Mehmet Ali Bay to
return the money back to you and tell you where to put it. Of course
Mehmet Ali Bay would never repeat those words as a long time friend.
This is where you stand now.
In spite of this rather deteriorating situation you will go ahead I
presume at least to protect your self esteem. I want you to be aware of
certain gossip going around the neighborhood. First they say you are
planning not to destroy the Petrol Station owned by Mr. Mulla
Wahabe. To me it makes sense considering that the next petrol station is
8 miles away. Second they say that you would also not touch the Korean
Grocery own by Mr. Kim, who is a big mean bastard and they say has
strong relation with the mafia and carries two 45 caliber guns. Moreover
as you know those Asians do not consider us round-eye pinkies as a part
of human race. If you noticed Mr. Kim sells alive fish frogs etc just
because he likes to chop them in front of you when you purchase them .
This is also a sound idea not to expand your campaign in to difficult
areas which you may get kicked in your ass while trying to kick some
one’s ass.
I better stop here and repeat
once again my fascination for your divine and moral devotion for the
happiness of human race.
With my best Regards
O. Baykal
|
Dear
Mr. Jones and Mr. Baykal
I have read your account of your mutually supportive views and how you
intend to apply the amazing foresight of Mr. Bush to your respective
neighborhoods. I am inawed of your innovative initiative, and the way in
which you plan to create new, safer neighborhoods. Indeed, on reflection
it is clear that, as the owners of firearms (licensed or unlicensed) it is
your duty to perform these radical acts. Wives and children, (both innocent
and guilty I understand) may have to give up their lives and indeed we may
have to envision an interim future where there air is thick with dust from
the rubble of those rogue households that will just have to go (something
between 5 and 20%). We may have to pick our way over the site where the
cruel Mr. Kim used to make a public display of the workings of his
butcher's practice to get to the four-square and be forced to exist on mass
produced imported sausages instead. But it will be worth it. Justice will
prevail and peace will reign. Your views are a call to arms. The greasy
youth on the corner who eyed my car strangely yesterday doesn't know what's
coming to him!
With thanks for your inspiration,
S. Eagle (formerly by name only, now by nature as well)
|